In some parallel universe where any idea is a good one, I can see White Chicks working. I can see an amazing make-up effects team turning Shawn and Marlon Wayans into a pair of prissy heiresses. I can see the screenplay exploding with hilarious gags and a whip-smart commentary on gender/race relations. But, dear readers, I'm not writing about that movie -- which will probably never see the light of day. In its place, unfortunately, is White Chicks, a comedy so dull, misguided, and just plain awful, I wouldn't be surprised if Hell held screenings of it for those venturing into the fiery underworld.

The aforementioned Wayans brothers play Kevin and Marcus, two FBI agents trying desperately to earn promotions. After their last assignment goes awry, the guys find themselves having to escort two rich sisters, who may be the potential victims of some kidnappers, to a weekend in the Hamptons. But a minor car accident leaves the girls with tiny scratches, which of course means the end of the world to them, and they refuse to leave their hotel room. Rather than inform their superiors, Kevin and Marcus seize the opportunity to take on the case and bring in the kidnappers on their own. Of course, this involves disguising themselves as the sisters, which they do with a little body paint, wigs, and a complete suspension of disbelief on behalf of the audience. As the agents infiltrate the Hamptons and wait for the kidnappers to strike, they experience one tired comedic situation after another, from difficulties shopping for outfits to fending off advances from the many creeps who make passes at them.

White Chicks is one godawful comedy, but it could've turned out to be a lot worse. Were it not such a simpleminded movie with a dumb plot, I would have hated the film even more.  From how horribly White Chicks fumbles the execution of the story, I hate to think what might have happened if director/co-writer Keenan Ivory Wayans decided to really tackle issues involving black men having to impersonate not only people of a different race but of a different gender. It could have been  another narrow-minded "comedy" (a la Bringing Down the House), but lucky for us, Wayans decided to just saddle his brothers with one pedestrian gag after another, opting to poke fun at socialite sisters Paris and Nicky Hilton (whose escapades alone are funnier than anything in this movie) rather than present a social commentary on how high society views the roles of women and minorities. Still, that leaves White Chicks as a dimwitted comedy whose success depends on each and every one of its characters being incredibly stupid.

I realize it's not the aim of White Chicks to be technically perfect, but accepting the story's lapses in logic is like trying to jump across the Pacific Ocean. Shawn and Marlon Wayans are both talented, capable performers (especially Marlon, having excelled in films like The Ladykillers and Requiem for a Dream), but here the two couldn't be less convincing at pretending to be stuck-up white heiresses. The obvious helium voices and sudden growth by a couple of feet should have been big clues, but that would mean the people who have to believe the agents' impersonation are endowed with the slightest bit of sense.

The schtick that's supposed to be the comedic source of the entire film fails to work, thanks not only to Shawn and Marlon's get-up making them look like hybrids of aliens and the Olsen Twins but also to the tired and unoriginal jokes. In the meantime, there's also the throwaway plot involving the kidnappers as well as boring romantic subplots. 

It's only been a week since Dodgeball hilariously combined humor and satire, and yet we already have its antithesis, a movie that starts out with a dumb idea and gets worse as it goes along. White Chicks is an all-concept, no-content comedy, and it means something when that concept fails to generate even the smallest of chuckles.

MY RATING: * (out of ****)

(Released by Columbia Pictures and rated "PG-13" for crude and sexual humor and some drug content.)

Review also posted on www.ajhakari.com.