Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have become the youngest self-made millionaires in American history. Years of acting on Full House, making endless direct-to-video hits, and hawking various forms of merchandise have ensured that the twin actresses are business-savvy and know how to appeal to their fans. That's what makes the idea behind New York Minute so ingenious; it will undoubtedly draw in fans of the Olsen Twins and add more money to their empire without making any original contribution to cinema whatsoever. It's infinitely more successful as a marketing tool than as an actual movie, and, in the end, you would be wise not to shell out money to watch it. 

Ashley and Mary-Kate play sisters (duh) who are at opposite ends of the personality spectrum. Ashley is Jane Ryan, the nice, intelligent goody two-shoes hoping to win a scholarship to Oxford. Mary-Kate is Roxy Ryan, a budding punk rocker who cuts school on a regular basis, something that has truant officer Max Lomax (Eugene Levy) on constant lookout in hopes of catching her in the act. The two sisters have absolutely nothing in common, but on one fateful day, they're forced to spend some time together due to a highly unlikely series of circumstances.

After getting thrown off a train and kidnapped by the adopted son (Andy Richter) of a Chinese crime family trying to make millions from pirated music, Jane and Roxy find themselves in New York City, taking in the sights and passing the time before Jane has to make her big speech. But the duo ends up embarking on one goofy adventure after another, from hauling around a politician's dog and going to a video shoot for the band Simple Plan to avoiding not only the aforementioned assassin but also Lomax, who knows that Roxy's in town and plans on bringing her down once and for all.

The sisters Olsen have enjoyed much success in their film careers through the direct-to-video market. Why they felt the need to unleash the lame and unoriginal New York Minute in theatres is beyond me, but here it is, ready to join You Got Served, Envy and other big stinkers of the year to date. In the wake of the smart and funny Mean Girls comes a teen-geared comedy with a hackneyed script, joyless performances, and a general laziness of plot. Sometimes a story that's been done before can still show some signs of life, but New York Minute couldn't be fresh and original if it were written by Charlie Kaufman on a caffeine high. New York Minute is Ferris Bueller's Day Off without the spark, the wry sense of humor, or the likable characters. What remains are the rebel (Roxy), the stuck-up friend (Jane), and the authority figure with a creepy obsession (Lomax, whose obsession with Roxy lends some unpleasant undertones to the story).

The film's goals are too simplistic, coming off as an excuse for Ashley and Mary-Kate to pull off their small-screen schtick on the big screen without really improving anything (yeah, right, like the Olsen Twins playing sisters trying to overcome their differences and embarking on a madcap romp is a hip and edgy plot). I know it's not in the nature of films like New York Minute to be complex or challenging, but what could have been a breezy, early-summer treat panders to the Olsens' fans and excludes everyone else. I can't believe there are that many 11-year-old girls to fill up the multiplexes, let alone for a movie with a turn of events that even a toddler would be able to predict.

I guess there is one big difference between New York Minute and the Olsen Twins' straight-to-video projects: they've surrounded themselves with better quality cast members to take down with them in this sinking ship. Despite setting up radically different characters for each to play, you never really tell the difference between Ashley and Mary-Kate (or, for that matter, care who's who), so eventually it's up to the other actors to provide interesting distractions. Levy scores some laughs as the determined Lomax (two scenes of his, especially the one where he hijacks a motor home, evoke the film's lone chuckles), and Saturday Night Live performer Darrell Hammond has a few good moments as a harried businessman who runs into Roxy and Jane time after time. But most of the other actors look bored, with talented people like Andy Richter and Andrea Martin stuck in flat roles, and Jared Padalecki and Riley Smith giving absolutely bland turns as the twins' love interests.

There's no suspense in New York Minute. There's not a thing that you won't see coming, that hasn't already been laid out by filmmakers who seem to think their target audience isn't receptive enough to handle something new. If you happen to be one of the poor souls who gets stuck watching New York Minute, you'll probably wish it would be over in a New York minute.

MY RATING: * 1/2 (out of ****)

(Released by Warner Bros. and rated "PG" for mild sensuality and thematic elements.)

Review also posted at www.ajhakari.com.