Greetings, readers. Adam J. Hakari here, ready to talk about the new Warner Bros. action film Torque. With me, engaging in a kind of point/counterpoint discussion, are two special guest speakers: part-time construction worker Joe Sixpack and Whatsamatta U. film scholar Pierre le Critique. Good evening, gentlemen.

JOE: Yo.
PIERRE: Bonjour, monsieur.

Okay, gentlemen, let the discussion begin. What were your first reactions to this film?

JOE:  I thought it rocked! I saw Biker Boyz last year and thought it wasn't that great, so I was sorta happy that Torque  turned out to be a lot better. More action, more effects, less of a boring story. All in all, I liked it a lot. I'll probably catch it on video again.
PIERRE:  I couldn't believe how moronic this so-called "film" was. There's not one moment where I didn't double over with unintentional laughter. The "story," the "screenplay," the "acting". . . dear lord, the whole experience was ridiculous beyond comprehension!

Okay, simmer down, Pierre. We'll get to the critiquing process in a bit, so save your venting. Let's get started. Joe, Pierre, will you each give your summary of Torque's story?

JOE:  Alright, lemme see.There's this one dude, played by that guy from The Ring, who's this biker that's come back to the states after running to Thailand to avoid a bogus drug dealing charge. All he wants is to get back with his girlfriend, who's this really hot chick and all, but then this evil biker dude frames him for the murder of Ice Cube's brother -- not the real Ice Cube's brother, just his character -- after which he and his buds go on the run to clear his name. It's really cool, since there's a lot of races and action and stuff, especially this one bit where the good guy and Ice Cube chase each other on a moving train and another scene near the end where two women fight on their bikes.
PIERRE:  In laymen's terms, Joe described it perfectly. But I have an even shorter summary: guy rides motorcycle. For 81 minutes, a length too long for director Joseph Kahn to sustain even the simplest of story details, this premise is stretched as far as it can go. For me, though, the "plot" began to run out of gas before the first reel was over. To put it simply, writer Matt Johnson has constructed a flimsy story out of spare cliches left over from the days of '60s motorcycle movies, not to mention lifting the main premise from Walter Hill's classic The Warriors, and Kahn keeps it going by having the actors speak the dialogue quickly in order to get to the next racing sequence. I guess it's easier to put a lot of flashy stunts on display than to build up characters or devise a story audiences haven't seen a thousand times before. And, from the looks of the film, Kahn makes it pretty obvious he's not a fan of car racing.

JOE: So what's wrong with using a plot that's been used before? Can't the directors or whatever make it more fun using other stuff? That's what happened with me. I've seen this sort of movie before, with a similar story and all, but I had a good time.
PIERRE: It's wrong for me because I felt that all Torque did was use whatever shreds of a plot it had gathered together as an excuse to display an array of loud, computer-enhanced action sequences and say, "Look what we can do!" The CGI became so fast and jumbled at one point during the final
race, between Martin Henderson's Ford and Matt Schulze's Henry, that I honestly had no clue of what was going on.

Hmm. This is a heated discussion, gentlemen. Speaking of the actors, what did you think of the acting?

JOE:  I thought the cast was alright. That Henderson guy was no Vin Diesel, I tell ya, but he rode a bike damn well and said his lines like a classic tough guy. Monet Mazur was just as tough a cookie as his girlfriend, Cube had some good scenes, and Jaime Pressly was pretty cool as the bad guy's Goth girlfriend.
PIERRE: I've seen better acting in the Gigli screen tests. Henderson embodied every tired good guy cliché in the book and brought little excitement to the role. Ms. Mazur and Ms. Pressly didn't have much to do in the proceedings except serve as eye candy, and the same goes for Christina Milian, who looks as if she has some solid acting chops that Torque didn't let her express. Ice Cube took on his role the best he could, though his work in Three Kings was much better. I did enjoy Schulze's performance -- if he applies himself, the man has a future playing classic cinematic villains.

I see our time is almost up now. Any final thoughts, gentlemen?

JOE: Yeah, I didn't think Torque was one of the best movies I've ever seen, but I thought it was a solid action flick all in all. Quick pace, cool action sequences, a nice look to it all. Nothing harmful, I'd say.
PIERRE: I will grant you I enjoyed the look of the film, especially during the pursuit in the palm trees, but every other element of the picture made my I.Q. drop a few digits. I can't believe I paid $6.50 to see something a couple of six-year-olds with a bucket of Hot Wheels could do for free.

Well, gentlemen, it's clear you're on different sides of the coin about Torque. As for myself, I share a little of both your viewpoints. At least, can we all agree this movie is an improvement over Biker Boyz?

JOE:  Definitely, dude.
PIERRE:  Affirmative, but even a trip to the dentist is better than Biker Boyz.

MY RATING: ** (out of ****)

(Released by Warner Bros. and rated "PG-13" for violence, sexuality, language and drug references.)

Review also posted on www.ajhakari.com.