Chances are you've seen TV advertisements for Cold Creek Manor, the ones touting it as the "thriller event of the fall." The film's previews show many an eerie sight, from hushed voices speaking threats to unknown creepy-crawlies moving underneath bedsheets. Unfortunately, these ads lead you to expect a different movie than what you get. 

No matter how it's being sold, one fact remains: Cold Creek Manor stinks as a thriller. The story's structure seems more like a broken-down shack than the looming edifice of the title. It's a boring mishmash of genre cliches -- a surprising  disappointment considering how much great talent was involved in creating something that falls on its face as hard as this dud.

Following a scary incident in New York City, the Tillsons, Cooper (Dennis Quaid) and Leah (Sharon Stone), decide the best thing for their family is to relocate to a more peaceful residence in the country. After looking at a number of places, the Tillsons come upon Cold Creek Manor, a vast  farm foreclosed upon by the bank. Fixing it up is going to cost a fortune, but the huge house, with its endless rooms and rolling acres, seems too good to pass up.

Thus, the family starts building a new life in their new home, with Cooper documenting the house's previous residents while former owner Dale Massie (Stephen Dorff) is hired as a handyman. But as Cooper unearths the manor's past, he starts to uncover evidence of a brutal crime committed on the grounds some time ago. Because of this quest to reveal the skeletons in Cold Creek Manor's closets, the Tillsons end up confronting a  sinister force that threatens to disrupt their new, peaceful existence.

Whoa! For a moment there, I almost made the clunky Cold Creek Manor sound like an edge-of-your-seat thriller instead of the slow, unstructured, under-developed, and incredibly obvious movie it is. Either director Mike Figgis (indeed, the one and only man who helmed such great pictures as Leaving Las Vegas and Time Code) really expects us to buy the "mystery" that's obvious to anyone with a brain, or else he's done a poor job of covering his tracks. Not until the last half-hour or so does Figgis remember there's a mystery at the core of his picture, albeit one it takes two seconds to pinpoint. Sadly,  just when Cold Creek Manor begins to kick in, it comes too little and too late, following about 90 minutes of awkward moments of drama, suspense, and confrontations among the characters.

To give you an idea of how stilted Cold Creek Manor is, consider a scene in which Cooper goes out to buy milk but ends up having a few drinks at the bar. He meets the film's villain (who, for the sake of those who really don't have a clue, I'll keep a secret), and after they exchange a few threats and cause a ruckus, the scene leads to an impromptu car chase that begins and ends without generating the slightest hint of momentum. Filled with moments like this, the film emerges as the cinematic equivalent of hearing Ozzy Osbourne speak; you get the gist of what is being said, but not not much else is accomplished. As a result, the thrills are ineffective, the dramatic relationships undercooked, and many a plot thread left without a proper resolution.

The performances don't help matters much either. Instead of a strong father figure trying to defend his family from evil, Quaid's Cooper comes off more like one who's oblivious to the fact that bad people exist in the world (after hiring Dorff's shady character, I wondered if he'd hire and trust Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre to prune the hedges). Stone doesn't get much material and is used here mainly to yell, be in danger, and assure fans she's ready for a comeback (though she'll accomplish that better by taking on roles such as her great turn in The Mighty). B-list actor Dorff ends up outshining the main stars, and even then, his performance as the manor's former owner is a bit on the uneven and
underwhelming side. Juliette Lewis and Christopher Plummer phone in brief supporting performances. 

Although Cold Creek Manor includes some bright moments (the story sometimes reaches a creepy level, Stone looks terrific -- and so does the house), those highlights are only a few seconds of its 118-minute running time. With apologies to Charles Dickens and A Tale of Two Cities, I don't think watching Cold Creek Manor will be among "the best of times" for moviegoers this year. It fits more appropriately into "the worst of times" category for me.  

MY RATING: * 1/2 (out of ****)

(Released by Touchstone Pictures and rated "R" for violence, language and some sexuality.)

Review also posted on www.ajhakari.com.