How many films have we seen about jewel thieves? Too many, and any hopes that talented Jeremy Irons might bring something new to the heist game in And Now Ladies & Gentlemen are quickly squashed as the film meanders down uncertain but dreary paths.

Irons plays Valentin Valentin (yes, his first and last names are the same), an English thief who uses disguises to pull off his gem heists and often confuse storeowners. When one owner actually believes his bit that he's a cop out to catch a renowned thief and tells the storeowner to, "Let him leave with all the jewels," I had to stifle a "you've got to be kidding" remark.

Valentin's wife, Francoise (Allesandra Martines) is in on his escapades, but when he buys a large sailing vessel and takes off for a month without her, she takes up with the boat's previous owner (Thierry L'hermitte.)  Of course, this doesn't bother Valentin -- he doesn't know or care. Stopping on his voyage in Morocco to see a doctor and find out why he's having blackouts, Valentin meets Jane (Patricia Kaas), a lounge singer on the run from a bad love affair. And, guess what?  She also has blackouts.

While Valentin decides he'll go under the knife to have a tumor removed, Jane opts for the spiritual route. She and Valentin begin an uphill desert trek to find the grave of a dead saint who can cure illnesses. Valentin, however, doesn't make it. He's arrested for a jewel theft that occurred at his hotel.

This saga dulls your senses as it weaves across the globe. Throw in Valentin's occasional visions which must constantly be evaluated to determine if they really happened or are just his dreams, and by the second or third one, interest wanes or disappears completely. 

The film is half-English and half-French with subtitles. French director Claude Lelouch is known for his free-wheeling cinematic storytelling style with flashbacks, music, erratic camera movements and a mix of color and black and white photography. Although all these elements are present in And Now Ladies & Gentlemen, I felt like I was viewing a first attempt from a student filmmaker. And those many long musical numbers sung by Kaas slowed the pacing of the story too much, often making it seem like I was attending a concert rather than watching a movie.

Lelouch also claims to be a romantic. "I wanted to make a beautiful love story. . . to give audiences something that has the essence of truth," he said. "It is necessary to find a means of short-circuiting reason and logic to find an emotional truth so strong it sweeps away the viewer."

For me, a beautiful love story does not come from two people who are married but take up with someone else without a single moment of pause or regret. Also, since Valentin makes his living stealing from others, I can't help wondering how he could find an emotional truth when his entire life is a lie.

"In a certain sense, I myself am a thief who kidnaps emotions," Lelouch concluded about his filmmaking style.

Unfortunately, watching And Now Ladies & Gentlemen elicited from me the kind of emotions Lelouch probably never intended. But, by having to remain in my seat until the end of the film, I did feel kidnapped.

(Released by Paramount Classics and rated "PG-13" for momentary language.)