It shouldn't be difficult to remake a mediocre movie. It's been done before. Consider Steven Soderbergh's take on Ocean's Eleven -- which I think was much better than its Rat Pack-headlined predecessor. The general consensus about Norman Jewison's 1975 film Rollerball, a grim sci-fi/drama about a brutal sport being played in a corporate-controlled future Earth, is that while displaying some sharp moments of satire and a powerful anti-violence message, it didn't amount to much otherwise. An up-to-date version should be able to take advantage of great leaps in technology during the last 20 years -- while capitalizing on the timeliness of the original film's message: people will watch anything if it's brutal enough.     

A perfect time to revisit Rollerball? Well, sort of. This new Rollerball, directed by John McTiernan (whose last film, The Thomas Crown Affair, was also a remake of a Jewison feature) is in the right place, and it's at the right time...but it's  the wrong movie. McTiernan's version lacks any of the satire, outright brutality, and social commentary of Jewison's take, which was by no means a great movie, but nevertheless had a message and knew how to say it. Instead of a blood-soaked view of sports in the future, we get a 90-minute jumble of bodies being slammed against walls, set to music directly airlifted from MTV. The Rollerball we need should be violent, capably acted, and spot-on in its depiction of civilization's need for a thrill; the Rollerball we get is the WWF with more padding.

In a not-too-distant future, a new sport threatens to climb out of obscurity in Central Asia and spread into a worldwide phenomenon. The game is Rollerball, which plays out like a hybrid of roller derby (the players ride around on skates and smack each other), motocross (the skaters are helped by teammates on motorcycles), hockey, and lacrosse. The sport keeps the stadiums packed, thanks in part to the players themselves, including our hero, a corn-fed, all-American hero named Jonathan Cross (Chris Klein), already being called the best player the game has ever seen. Jonathan, with the help of teammates such as Marcus (LL Cool J) and Aurora (Rebecca Romijn-Stamos), virtually dominates the figure-8 Rollerball track, which keeps team owner Alexi Petrovich (Jean Reno) happy. But despite Jonathan's amazing talents, the evil, accented Petrovich still isn't pleased with the global ratings turnout for Rollerball matches. Thus, he carefully influences aspects of the game, gradually making the sport more violent and thereby increasing the number of viewers. But after a teammate is nearly killed by a rival, Jonathan, Marcus, and crew begin to realize something fishy is going on. Inevitably, they discover Rollerball isn't the extreme sports game it was cracked up to be, and that when ratings are involved, Petrovich is willing to do anything to make sure the players continue risking their lives night after night.

Seeing Rollerball followed up by such a degrading remake is like an experience I recently had with cheeseballs. I like those little things -- they taste good and call themselves what they are: tiny balls of corn meal with cheddar flavoring. Then, one day I walked by a snack food stand and saw that a certain company (which shall remain nameless) is selling cheeseballs under the name "Asteroids." I immediately thought to myself, "Who are these guys trying to kid?!" They're cheeseballs, people, and the company that manufactures them now seems more shallow for coming up with the idea. Similarly, MGM looks suspect for releasing a remake that glorifies everything the original movie was opposed to. 

Whereas the 1975 Rollerball had strong themes, a brutal sense of anti-violence, and James Caan to admire, I can't find more than two elements of the 2002 version, a troubled production from the very beginning, that I actually enjoyed. True, the Rollerball scenes are bone-crunchingly dumb fun, and I enjoyed the added concept of a figure-8 track and more obstacles one must go through to score a goal, but numerous other changes and additions to the game cause more resentment from fans of the original. Since when did the players start wearing costumes you could find at a K-Mart closeout sale? And when did the goal itself change from having to shove a metal ball directly into a hole to merely throwing it onto a gong? And as for the coed locker rooms...well, let's just say I'm pretty cool about that part. The sad thing is that in this flick, Rollerball has changed from a do-or-die sport into the WWF on wheels.

Did John McTiernan, the master action director behind Predator, The Hunt for Red October, and the bookends of the Die Hard trilogy, actually direct this remake? Surely, the man behind one of Ahnuld's best movies couldn't be responsible for the senseless, jumbled train wreck that is Rollerball. You can sense the man's gift in the entertaining Rollerball matches, but he simply doesn't bother to allow much room for development of the story. He kicks off the first five minutes with Chris Klein speeding down a hill (a scene in which he yells at his fellow racer for almost killing someone, and yet he's the moron rolling through traffic at high speeds) and in about ten seconds, Klein's character is  already being called the best Rollerball player in the league. How long did it take for Jonathan to be initiated into the sport? How long has he been there so far? What training did he have to undergo before becoming part of the team? Unconcerned about answering these questions, Rollerball is content to mold every flashy camera trick in the book and a handful of watered-down extreme action scenes into a cinematic meat loaf and call it a movie. 

As far as acting is concerned, almost everyone is miscast.  Klein, who is simultaneously charming (Election, the American Pie movies) and horrendous (Say It Isn’t So, Here on Earth), looks like a lost puppy, oh-so cute as he tries to act tough and be the big hero of the whole endeavor. LL Cool J...this guy's the new Sylvester Stallone; not since 1999's In Too Deep has he played a character that's remotely different from any of the other roles in his career. Jean Reno...well, what did you expect after Just Visiting? I love this guy's work, even the lesser movies he's been in (French Kiss and Godzilla come to mind), but here, Reno is reduced to playing the "Evil Corporate Bad Guy with an Accent" who screams a lot. The only member of the cast who does something that remotely resembles acting is Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. Although her gruff-but-kinda-sweet Rollerball player is a step down from Mystique in X-Men, she attempts to bring depth (and a fairly convincing Russian accent) to her part. At least she emerges from the carnage with her integrity intact.

If it's a cheeseball, call it a cheeseball. If it's a remake of Rollerball, don't try to sell it as something new. 

MY RATING: * ½ (out of ****)

(Released by MGM and rated "PG-13" for violence, extreme sports action, sensuality and some drug references.)

Complete review posted at www.ajhakari.com.