SCENE: Sgt. Sixpack's office the morning after National Security opens. A phone rings. 

Sgt. Sixpack: Yes, Lucy? Right, send him in.

(enter Officer A.J.)

S.S.: Officer A.J., what's the latest on that incident at the theatre?
A.J.: It's ugly, sir. I don't know if you can stomach the details.

S.S.: I've seen enough filth in my days. Is it that CGI kangaroo again?
A.J.: Worse, Sarge. The perp's called National Security, and the masterminds behind it are Martin Lawrence and Steve Zahn.

S.S.: Wait a second, I thought those two boys kept quiet...well, maybe not Lawrence, but they haven't caused serious trouble before, have they?
A.J.: I had the same attitude, sir, but when I saw it for myself...Oh, man, it was so horrible...

S.S.: Cool it, Officer. Calm yourself and give me a rundown of the events.
A.J.: Alright...Okay...Mr. Zahn played a cop deeply affected by his partner's murder. Mr. Lawrence was a loudmouthed reject from the police academy. The two met when Lawrence locked his keys in his car, and Zahn, thinking he was stealing it, came over to investigate.

S.S.: So did they sort things out?
A.J.: I wish, sir. Lawrence immediately caused a scene by accusing Zahn of racial discrimination, and because the encounter looked like a beating from a camera's perspective, Zahn was sent to the hoosegow.

S.S.: Didn't Lawrence explain it was all a mix-up?
A.J.: Nope. He perjured himself on the witness stand...basically lied his arse off. We're still not sure whether he did it to avoid trouble or if he's so screwed up in the head, he seriously believes what he's saying.

S.S.: Man...
A.J.: Oh, it only gets worse. Months later, Zahn and Lawrence are partnered up as security guards, setting out to stop a smuggling operation and avenge the death of Zahn's partner, all while Lawrence is sticking with his lie.

S.S.: Oh, geez, and I thought Big Momma's House was bad enough.
A.J.: The boys in CSI conclude that either Lawrence's character was truly dense, or this is a case of taking a joke way too far. In any case, Lawrence is already guilty for creating one of the most irritating, despicable characters in years, then trying to pull off an 11th-hour redemption.

S.S.: What about Zahn?
A.J.: We reprimanded him for being an accomplice, but he was let off with a warning. It appeared he was tired of Lawrence's schtick, too; he put up a decent show despite his partner's infractions.

S.S.: Did you book anybody else?
A.J.: We brought Dennis Dugan in on charges of supervising a film that doesn't meet comedy or action regulations, the screenwriters for cranking out such a tired screenplay, and the supporting players for sinking to new lows. No surprise that Eric Roberts is one of them, Sarge.

S.S.: That Roberts kid just can't stay out of trouble can he?
A.J.: Indeed, sir. Looks like this case is clear-cut; National Security is a full-fledged member of the "Crappy January Flicks" gang.

S.S.: Sounds like it. What did ballistics say about the bullets fired at the screen?
A.J.: No bullets, sir. Just popcorn.

(Released by Columbia Pictures and rated "PG-13" for violence, language and some sensuality.)

Review also posted at www.ajhakari.com.