Alexandre Dumas’ The Three Musketeers, a classic tale of heroism, love, and friendship, gets yet another unnecessary big-screen treatment. This time by Paul W. S. Anderson, known more for his Mortal Kombat, Soldier, and Death Race debacles – as well as his slightly better Resident Evil series -- than anything that might suggest an ability to bring a period drama to life. His bombastic, over-the-top swashbuckling silliness features more fire, weaponry, and CGI than anything Michael Bay has ever imagined. Not sure if that says more about Anderson or less about Bay.

Oddly enough however, it’s not the visual spectacle of anachronistic airships, rotating Gatling-cannons, or gimmicky 3D effects that dooms The Three Musketeers. In fact, what the movie has isn’t the problem. There’s plenty. Instead, it’s what it doesn’t have that makes Anderson’s film a disparagingly poor rendition of the classic tale and frankly, a waste of precious celluloid. OK, digital bits, but you get the idea.

Despite all the time spent on preparation, location scouting, gorgeous costumes, production, editing, and tons of TNT, the people are overlooked. There’s not a single character we give a hoot about. They’re all just cardboard pieces moving about in the service of the grand visual spectacle and paper-thin narrative. And from source material so rich in characterization, Anderson et. al. should be ashamed Sure, the lack of character depth wouldn’t matter much with the bold presence of a swashbuckling Jack Sparrow or a Machiavellian Captain Blood. But Matthew MacFadyen, Luke Evans, Ray Stevenson, and Logan Lerman are not Johnny Depp or Errol Flynn.

To his credit though, Anderson and company do incorporate plenty of well-choreographed sword-fighting sequences, one in particular that takes place high atop the slippery spires and arches of a fabled German castle standing in as the residence of King Louie and Queen Anne. Yes, it was done on green-screen, but this is the one place where 3D effects actually worked to the film’s advantage.

Though the plot is quite simple, it’s made to ramble and convulse in too many disparate directions by Andrew Davies and Alex Litvak who co-wrote the convoluted script. The seed of Dumas’ novel remains though, as it involves the classic story or Porthos (Stevenson), Athos (Macfadyen), and Aramis (Evans) – three elite warriors who service the King of France as his best musketeers. After uncovering an evil plot -- headed by the duplicitous Milady (Milla Jovovich) -- to overthrow the King, the Musketeers cross paths with and take under their wings a young aspiring hero, D’Artagnan (Lerman), who has moved to Paris from the French countryside. Together, the four embark on a dangerous journey to upset the plot that not only threatens the French Crown, but the future of Europe itself.

None of the actors seems too interested in making a name from the given opportunity. The hinge of the story pivots on the symbolic youthfulness and moral character of D’Artagnan who reignites the musketeers from their drunken retirement. But Lerman is neither able to overcome his perceived lack of physical prowess nor carry the proceedings with the necessary gravitas required of the role. As a result, we’re unable to buy into his everyman quality as the young country boy from Gascony who changes the world. The other actors continually struggle with their accents, uttering perfunctory dialogue more befitting of a modern-day actioner than a 400-year-old period piece.

Of course, we shouldn’t expect a film of Scorcese-ian provocation from Paul W. S. Anderson. After all, he’s an action director. But even as an amped-up, outrageous new vision of the literary classic meant to entertain not challenge, The Three Musketeers fails to put an interesting new face on an old legend. It’s just a shiny, well-dressed cacophony of pretty noise and steam-punked distraction with nowhere to go.

 (Released by Summit Entertainment and rated “PG-13” for sequences of adventure action violence.)

Review also posted at www.franksreelreviews.com.