It took me three hours before I could even think of how to start writing about High School Musical 3: Senior Year. Having already reviewed the first two entries in Disney's mystifyingly successful franchise, I knew even before paying for my ticket I would have the exact same criticisms. But the House of Mouse's latest festival of bubblegum pop isn't merely as bad as its predecessors -- it's worse.

HSM3 kicks off as senior year is winding down for the East High gang. Troy (Zac Efron) and his basketball team win the championship, Gabriella (Vanessa Hudgens) is busy editing the school yearbook, and brother/sister pair Sharpay and Ryan (Ashley Tisdale and Lucas Grabeel) maintain their strangehold on the drama club. But when drama teacher Ms. Darbus (Alyson Reed) decides to model the spring musical after the East High troupe's senior year, everyone starts to question their plans for the future. Troy's plans to play college ball are put on the back burner when he finds out he has a shot at winning a scholarship to Juilliard. On top of that, Gabriella's upcoming move to Stanford puts hers and Troy's relationship in jeopardy, a dilemma Sharpay takes advantage of in scheming her way to starring in the big show.

Let's pretend for a moment that HSM3 actually deserves even an ounce of the popularity bestowed upon the first two movies. Because this is supposedly the final time fans will see the original cast, I thought it would be only reasonable for filmmakers to put some effort into their last hurrah. However, once I realized this is the same studio that unleashed Beverly Hills Chihuahua, I quickly regained my senses. While HSM3 is a conspiculously peppy  musical romp, it's also an extremely corny and incredibly lazy film. As cliched as the first two films were, they had stories that gave them at least a bit of narrative flow. HSM3, on the other hand, is two hours of stuff just happening, random events tied together by the flimsiest of plot threads. The script never decides on a main story, so it spends its time playing hot potato with the subplots, never concentrating on one long enough to make any sort of impact whatsoever. It's a clunky approach which makes the movie feel five times longer than it lasts.

Some of you are probably saying, "Of course you didn't like the movie; it wasn't made for you." True, but I like to think I'm versatile enough to imagine myself in the place of someone who would like it. With that in mind, I wholeheartedly recommend HSM3 to all viewers who got a kick out of the first two movies. As for the rest of us, I wouldn't drink the Kool-Aid just yet. Sure, the film has a little pep in its step, but don't expect that to be as the result of good acting.

Although these kids may be a spirited bunch of performers, the monotone manner in which they enact their respective teeny-bopper dramas makes any "Dawson's Creek" episode look like Citizen Kane. The music is even worse. It's a stream of soul-sucking pop and flavorless enough to make the Backstreet Boys weep, all accompanied by hilariously awful dance routines. Only the final number comes across with any real energy, but by that point, it's far too late. The wiser audience members will already have one foot out the exit.

While not as bad as last year's Bratz, High School Musical 3 represents cinematic junk food at its gnarliest to me. I'm surprised so many parents give it a free pass and allow their kids to fall victim to its insultingly simple story and even more basic soundtrack. I'm willing to bet most of these folks never actually took the time to watch a High School Musical feature; if they had, then a lot more people would be using the DVDs as skeet shooting ammo.

MY RATING: * (out of ****)

(Released by Walt Disney Motion Pictures Studio and rated "G" for general audiences.)