I love movies. They give me the chance to escape from reality and peek into other people’s lives without the fear of being caught. Foreign films especially intrigue me as I experience a country's distinct culture. However, my friends and family don’t share this passion with me. My husband claims that his eyes ache as he squints to read the subtitles. 

But it’s this next point that really gets me into trouble. My limited attention span doesn’t allow me to read more than a few paragraphs of a movie review.  Just explain a little of the plot, give me a ‘yea” or ‘nay” and a very brief explanation to back it up. But, NO, the critics hand me a doctoral dissertation instead. Quite often an important detail lies buried in the middle, so my brain and eyes just glaze over it.

And that’s the situation I experienced recently after finding an ad for a Brazilian movie that fascinated me. Not about to miss this one simply because no one would join me, I decided to go alone. After viewing the same old trailers and commercials, I felt certain my movie delight was about to begin. Even if the feature happened to be mediocre, I could always count on the “Coming Attractions” to entice me.  Hmmm, I hadn’t seen these previews before, and they were pretty salacious. Oh well.

Soon the “Please be quiet” message appeared, followed by a huge “NC-17” splashed on the big screen. Though the theater was dark, I felt my face flush with color.  I calmly reminded myself, “Hey I’m no prude.” After all, I went to see Deep Throat in college where it was the most successful fundraiser for the Classical Guitar Club. Still, I was only 18 years old then and definitely not alone. Anyway, I made a few mistakes during those two hours I sat watching this Brazilian movie, so I’ve come up with the following rules of etiquette for moviegoers who might find themselves in a similar predicament: 

1. Do not look around the theater to identify those of questionable character. You immediately create an opportunity for them to look back at you with the same perception.

2. Keep your hands in view at all times, except when immersed in a bag of popcorn.  (For more rules on popcorn see #5 below.).

3. If it’s raining outside, take off your raincoat and place it two seats away from you. Hopefully no one will steal it...for a number of reasons.

4. Mumble in the same language as the film’s dialogue.  If others angrily whisper “shhh,” apologize and say you miss your homeland. That’s the real reason you came to see this movie. Please note: this does not work if you mutter in English.  People will either think you’re on the cell phone, which translates to “rude,” or that you’re talking to yourself, which translates to “crazy” or “creepy.” Also, Spanish is not Portuguese. (These movie-goers weren’t as dumb as I thought.)

5. When do you munch on your popcorn?  If an erotic scene has been building up and soon to climax, this may not be the best time. If guts are exploding in the air, you may be perceived as insensitive. Now if the entire movie is one huge humping fest, what should you do?  After all, you’ve half your paycheck on this popcorn and want to devour it before it’s stale.  If you are a woman, you’ve no doubt saved an entire day’s worth of calories in anticipation of this indulgence and are absolutely starving.  My recommendation: Sneak one kernel at time and quietly chew.  However, you may sip or gulp your soft drink at any time.

6. Laughter eases tension, but it may not be the best medicine for this particular movie experience. If you must laugh, don’t belt out during the above mentioned scenes. . Also try to hold off hysterics when events continue to be so implausible that it’s obvious the director must be living vicariously through his actors. In either case, even a chuckle could cause you to be the focus of glares from other members of the audience. Remember, you are trying to remain inconspicuous. A safe bet for the laughter-prone is to follow the crowd’s lead, even if there’s nothing comical.  They may be laughing because they actually read the reviews and need to feel hip or smarter than the rest of us.   

7. Upon exiting the theater, do so quietly. And be prepared for such potential crises as: 

    a. Women -- if a man approaches and asks you to join him for coffee, politely decline and rush out of the theater.

    b. Men -- if a woman asks you to join her for whatever, negotiate the price in advance and hold onto your wallet.

    c. Any other situations -- sorry, but you’re on your own.