Mel Brooks once said, "My movies rise below vulgarity." By combining bawdy sex jokes and clever riffs on cinematic conventions, Brooks redefined the art of parody in comic masterpieces like Blazing Saddles and Spaceballs. In contrast, The Comebacks seems satisfied to simply reference other movies and slam people into stuff really hard. Unfortunately, neither tactic lands this film a seat on the 3:10 to Chuckletown.

In this spoof of almost every sports movie from the last 30 years, "Saturday Night Live" alumn David Koechner plays Lambeau Fields, a down-on-his-luck coach who's lost at every sport he's ever participated in. Nevertheless, he's given one last shot at glory when an old friend (Carl Weathers) convinces him to take charge of the Heartland University Comebacks, a rag-tag football team that's also never managed to taste victory. After rounding out a squad comprised of such archetypes as the quarterback who can't keep hold of the ball (Matthew Lawrence) to the cocky receiver (Jackie Long), Coach Fields sets about whipping the Comebacks into shape, ready to show the naysayers that they have what it takes to win, as well as getting ready for the inevitable showdown with their arch rivals, the Unbeatables.

What makes The Comebacks a laughless disaster on a massive scale has nothing to do with its underlying concept. I'm all for sticking it to these preachy sports flicks that come out one after the other without exhibiting hardly anything that's different. But the makers of The Comebacks aren't so much concerned with lampooning a certain realm of cinema. Instead, they use the film as a backdrop for an endless stream of lame, unfunny gags. Absence of even the tiniest, smirk-inducing joke here leaves a void large enough to dwarf the Grand Canyon. There's no wit or originality to the humor at all, just a laundry list of movie references tossed out plus some over-the-top slapstick drizzled on for good measure.

For example, there are scenes where all the characters do is mention a movie title, like "Hey there, Blue Crush!" and "This is my Gridiron Gang." Are the filmmakers taking their viewers for a bunch of idiots? Moviegoers could get a similar and probably more hilarious experience by looking at random titles in the video store. The Comebacks sets out to make fun of the flicks on its hit list, but all it does is remind us that many of them weren't so bad after all. It's really The Comebacks that deserves a good beating for turning out to be such a lazy, derivative, and just plain not funny mess. 

If there's any highlight to be found in The Comebacks, it's the addition of Brooke Nevin and Noureen DeWulf to the cast, two fetching ladies whose pretty faces shine like beacons in this comedic wasteland.  When the best thing I can say about a movie is that it includes a couple of beautiful women in the cast, you know I'm reaching as far as I can to find something positive about it. There may be no "I" in "team," but there is a "U" in "suck," which is the one thing The Comebacks manages to do perfectly.

MY RATING: 1/2 * (out of ****)

(Released by Fox Atomic and rated "PG-13" for crude and sexual content throughout and some drug material.)