You know the expression, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it"? Well, in the case of Black Christmas, following this advice would have been a good idea. Although the 1974 slasher, a precursor even to Halloween, wasn't flawless, it had its creepy moments and did first what's now considered old hat for modern-day genre movies. Unfortunately, writer/director Glen Morgan completely and laughably botched the film's 2006 remake. 

Morgan adds a few twists of his own invention, but the new Black Christmas adheres mostly to its predecessor's premise. It's Christmas Eve, yet for the members of the Delta Alpha Kappa sorority, the festivities will have to wait. The girls are trapped in their house due to a massive snowstorm, with tensions especially high because of having to spend the holidays stuck at school. Little do these young women know that their house was once home to Billy Lenz, a yellow-skinned boy who got sent to the looney bin after, among other murderous misdeeds, baking his mom into Christmas cookies. This year, Billy has decided to come home for the holidays, and he leaves a bloody trail behind while making his escape.

In the meantime, the Delta girls have come under attack by an unseen killer who slashes them up one by one. Between this crisis and Billy's arrival, the survivors have their hands full trying to live long enough to see Christmas.

Believe it or not, I had fairly high expectations for Black Christmas. Morgan, who co-wrote the first and third Final Destination movies, previously took the mediocre '70s horror film Willard and turned it into a dark, funny, and incredibly atmospheric remake in 2003. But in retrospect, Black Christmas was best left alone. Morgan takes its simple but effective premise and whips it into one of the goofiest horror movies in history. For starters, characters in slasher movies aren't exactly bursting with personality to begin with, but Morgan's collection of "heroines" comes across as one of the most annoying groups of spoiled, self-centered princesses the genre has ever seen. Whining constantly, these sorority sisters act like they're getting paid by the F-word, so you can't wait for the killer to shut them up. 

Half of the cast seems made up of  "the drunken party girl stereotype" who usually gets dispatched half an hour into the movie; Morgan isn't even sure who his lead (a.k.a. the quintessential "Final Girl") is until the cast list dwindles down to the last six or so people left standing. I admit that Morgan's actresses, including Michelle Trachtenberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, and Crystal Lowe, are quite easy on the eyes, so the guy deserves some credit at least on a superficial level. But he drops the ball in almost every other respect, especially in what he does with the villain(s). The original Black Christmas had a mad slasher the viewer saw little of, one who killed without motive and tormented his victims with disturbing phone calls. But Morgan not only lifts Billy's shroud of mystery, he also slaps him with a ridiculous back story -- and on top of that, he throws in another killer whose first fully revealed appearance is the funniest thing I've seen in years.

Still, I have to give kudos to Black Christmas for some outlandish gore (like See No Evil, this movie features a weird obsession with eye gougings). But it's hard to appreciate even that purposeful addition when surrounded by a sea of cliched characters, a nauseating visual style, and a slipshod sense of directing. Though often bad enough to sort of enjoy, Black Christmas is  a giant lump of coal in the stockings of horror fans everywhere.

MY RATING: * 1/2 (out of ****)

(Released by Dimension Films and rated "R" for strong horror violence and gore, sexuality, nudity and language.)