Throwing caution to the winds, as they say, I've decided to share my recent telephone conversation about The Return with ReelTalk visitors, so please read on.    

Rogue Pictures: Thank you for calling the Rogue Pictures Customer Service line. My name is Cindy. How may I help you?

A.J. Hakari: Hi, Cindy, my name's A.J. Hakari, and  I'm a movie critic for ReelTalk Reviews.

Rogue: Oh, yes, Mr. Hakari, we received your fan letters about Shaun of the Dead and Unleashed. Which of our latest films have you enjoyed?

Hakari: Sorry to disappoint you, Cindy, but I just got back from your new thriller The Return, and I want to punch -- err, I mean, uh, express my frustrations  about the film.

Rogue: Okay. However, let me take care of some frequently asked questions right off the bat. Are you sure you didn't see a different film instead? We've found that customers often confuse The Return with The Grudge.

Hakari: No way, Cindy. I'm sure I saw the right movie. The Grudge was much better than this -- and it turned out to be real stinker! So let's get back to The Return. It's dull as dishwater, stupid, plotless...

Rogue: Oh, come now, Mr. Hakari, The Return has a perfectly fine plot featuring Sarah Michelle Gellar as a restless career woman drawn to a spooky Texas town by supernatural visions.

Hakari: You call that a premise? To me, that's just Buffy the Vampire Slayer wandering around the middle of nowhere for an hour and a half. And when something does happen, none of it makes any sense. Supporting characters pop up out of thin air and disappear just as quickly; the twists are obvious from the get-go; and the story's laughable resolution was completely botched. If I didn't know they were gone, I'd think the Three Stooges slapped this script together!  

Rogue: Mr. Hakari, I have to ask you to please calm down...

Hakari: Calm down? How can I do that when  everything about The Return made my blood boil. The director's habit of throwing in random half-zooms? The shoddy character development? Sam Shepard's wasted performance? And how about that title: The Return? I can see it now: "And the winner for Least Scary Horror Movie Title Since The Maid goes to..."

Rogue: Well, Mr. Hakari, if you're expecting a refund, I'm afraid all admission charges are final.

Hakari: Right! But what I really want returned is the time I wasted watching this mess of a movie.

Rogue: If you can't say anything nice, you shouldn't say anything at all. I'm hanging up, Mr. Hakari.

*click*

Hakari: Hello? Hello?! Cindy? Hmm. Guess I'll have to cross Rogue Pictures off my list. Now, I wonder what Uwe Boll is up to...

MY RATING: * (out of ****)

(Released by Rogue Pictures and rated "PG-13" for violence, terror and disturbing images.)