We all know and understand that movies are total fiction. A fantasy playland, if you will, where we can let our little popcorn-eating selves drift away into a fog of melted butter and jalapeno flavored cheese. The extent of our cinematic expectations are usually nothing more than a couple hours of escapism. However, in spite of our desires to suspend belief, filmmakers continue to spend millions of dollars mimicking reality. Quite often, they teach us about many aspects of the world we otherwise wouldn't understand. After all, isn't the Cineplex a much better place to learn about the world than the locker room? Following are some of the little pearls of wisdom I've picked up from Front Row Joe:

I know that...

...when you climb aboard a helicopter you must duck your head, lest the spinning rotors chop it off in a bloody mess.

...when in a hurry, pushing an elevator button 50 times does not make it come any faster. And it's always faster to take the stairs, even if you're on the 50th floor.

...frantically typing on a computer keyboard and forcefully hitting the "return" key will pull up any classified information on anybody in the world. But of course that's only after patiently waiting for the oversized "percent done" meter to reach 100%.

...French bread purchased in a grocery store does not come in a package. Also, every loaf is significantly taller than a grocery sack.

...even if you are so far out in the wilderness that you can't pick up a radio station, your cell phone will still work.

Hospitals:

...before injecting a patient with medicine from a syringe, you must first squirt a fairly significant amount into the air.

...you can gain access to almost any hospital by grabbing a pair of scrubs from a utility closet and rolling a cart down the corridor. This "magic" pair of scrubs will give you access to almost any suite in the hospital, even the room with patient records. But you'll need a flashlight small enough to hold in your teeth while fingering through the file cabinet's contents.

...birthing babies is simple. It only requires boiling water and torn bed sheets.

Sports:

...you can always tell which team will win the big basketball game. It's the one that suddenly slows down into slow-motion as the clock ticks off the final few seconds. Suddenly the gym will go silent save for the overly emphasized audible ticks of the game clock and squeaks of the sneakers. The clock will turn to zero just before the winning shot swooshes through the basket.

Cowboys:

 ...back in the western days if you ordered a drink, you would always get the entire bottle of whiskey with a shot glass. And you would pay for it with an old tin coin that you flipped with your thumb toward the bartender. But beware! The bottle would eventually be broken over your head.

...cowboys can survive for days on just a few hard-tack biscuits and a small amount of dried fat-back they carry around in one of their small leather pouches with a drawstring. The other leather pouch will contain pure tobacco that they will later fashion into a filterless cigarette.

...simply draping a horse's reins over a hitching post will prevent the horse from running away.

...you can always find a good card game or a voluptuous hooker in any saloon.

Crime and Guns:

...when a bad guy and a good guy are wrestling with a gun, the gun will go off as the two come together. The pair will suddenly freeze and the bad guy will fall to the floor as blood seeps from the wound. But in a moment of last minute relief, the bad guy will confess to his crimes just before his eyes close in death.

...a belt buckle, wallet, or police badge can stop a bullet. And before hitting anyone with machine gun fire, you must first shoot up a few vases, flowerpots and mirrors. But chances are you'll miss the bad guy anyway.

...when stabbing someone, blood will splatter in streams onto your face.

...if you hold a loaded shotgun to someone's head to extort information, loudly cocking the gun will make them sing like a canary.

...if you ever get in a fight with a deranged murderer, just before he kills you, your previously dead partner will eventually come back to life and shoot the maniac.

...all bombs consist of several sticks of dynamite held together by black electrical tape and coiled copper wires. You'll always know how much time is left because the timer never fails to display an oversized digital readout.

...all bad guys hide in the basement.

...machine guns are not very reliable weapons. Sure, they shoot bullets in rapid fire succession, but the bullets are attracted to flower pots and vases and are repelled by bad guys.

Science:

...all laboratories contain at least one Pyrex beaker filled with a colored liquid boiling over a flaming Bunsen burner. Even when a lab is unoccupied, these burners will remain lit. The steam filters up a coiled glass tube and into a series of chemistry lab glassware. And by the way, laboratory is always pronounced with the accent on the second syllable.

Families:

...most families don't have time for breakfast. The mother prepares bacon and eggs with toast and orange juice, but when the family awakens, they will be running late and won't have time to partake. The kids will throw their backpacks over their shoulders, grab their brown paper lunch bag, and snatch a pop-tart while the school bus honks the horn in front of the house. The husband will kiss his wife while straightening his tie just before running out the front door. He will grab a cup of coffee as he exclaims that he's late for work. The wife will just shake her head with a smile as she holds the screen door open.

...many large houses only have one bathroom. This always causes a problem when everyone in the family needs to use the facilities at the same time. And it's usually the teenaged daughter that is taking too much time getting ready.

Telephones:

...if you are making a prank call, you can hang up within a minute or two to avoid having the call traced.

...all phone numbers begin with the "555" exchange.

...if you ever answer the phone and no one is on the other end, you should say "hello" repeatedly and rapidly press the receiver button several times.

Cars:

...an alarming number of people leave their car keys over the sun visor.

...cars never start in an emergency. But it will eventually start if you pump the gas pedal and frantically exclaim "come on...come on baby, please start" while nervously looking in the rear view mirror.

...when hailing a cab, it's necessary to hurriedly get in before the jerk on the other side of the cab beats you to it.

...when one car rear ends another, rather than just ending up in a crumpled heap, the faster moving car will always launch into a beautiful barrel-roll before eventually crashing into a fruit stand.

...it's always a bad idea to drive behind a truck hauling chickens.

Buildings:

...leaping from high ledges is not as tragic as it might seem. It usually results in a quite beautiful swan dive with a slow head-over-heels roll.

Foreign Countries:

...in Paris they call a Quarter Pounder a Royale with Cheese.

...the word "airport" is pronounced "aeropuerto" and the word "hospital" is pronounced "opital" in any country throughout the world.

Women:

...women have weak ankles that will always flare up when running from a bad guy or from a monster.

...women are innately frightened of even the faintest noise.  However they'll never hesitate to investigate a darkened empty house. And they'll even do it in their sexy underwear. 

(Also posted on www.franksreelreviews.com. Photo: Frank Wilkins in his home theater.)