The year 2004 ended like a roller coaster for me, and not just because of all the movies I tried to see. I'd like to be able to sum it up the way I usually do, but I actually feel a bit burned out. So many things happened -- I know that's not an elaborate way of putting it, but at the same time it may be the simplest way.

Actually, I'm writing this after just having watched Sideways for the second time. It's not making my top 10, but I wanted to comment on it because I felt a little more able to relate to it this time. The main characters, Miles and Jack, spend a crazy week together, full of mishaps, and for Miles it's mostly agonizing. Despite a very positive thing that happens for him, he's constantly down on himself. Their week feels a bit like the year I've had, even though the circumstances are a little flipped. I had one negative thing happen to me that affected me throughout the year, despite most of the year being filled with many positive events. And just because of that, I was constantly down on myself. But Miles finishes the movie with a renewed resolve -- and I'd like to think that's where I'm headed as well.

Shall I get into it a little more? I can do it as I dive into this year's list:

1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. My year was a strange combination of good and bad, and the bad was not nearly as bad as what happened to others I know, but, just the same, the breakup I went through was a pivotal event for me. And as I dragged through the year, Eternal Sunshine stayed on my mind, expressing in cinematic form exactly how I was feeling. Bitter. Angry. Wanting to forget. But not wanting to forget everything -- in fact, wanting so much to remember certain things, the things that were good, the things that were great. "Please let me keep this memory." These memories may be all we'll ever have, and all we could ever hope for. Will they perpetuate a tendency to make the same mistakes again, though? Like Joel and Clementine, I can already feel a part of me really hoping so.

2. The Incredibles. Watching The Incredibles gave me a high that I can't easily explain, and that's why this movie's at number two. While it didn't affect me as profoundly as Eternal Sunshine did, it did hit my nerves in just as raw a manner. It was a wondrous reminder to me that I can still be utterly, totally blown away by a movie. My viewing of this movie will always be considered one of my big highlights of 2004.

3. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Prisoner of Azkaban was perhaps the movie I anticipated most during the year, and I was very happy not to be disappointed. In fact, I was extremely impressed. It's a great example of how material can be approached in different ways, and how a director's vision can be so important to any project. Alfonso Cuarón concentrated on feelings -- the budding anger inside Harry Potter, the natural rage that emerges as one heads into adolescence. He turned Hogwarts into a living metaphor for the emotional challenges and outlets of a teenager, including the awkward transition of having to learn self-reliance. This movie gets my award for "Most Improvement in a Franchise."

4. Spider-Man 2. The sequel to my favorite movie of 2002 subtracts a bit of logic, adds a lot more drama, and remains oh-so irony-free. I still wish I could be eight or nine-years-old while watching the Spider-Man movies. I'd watch them everyday. I know I would. I'd come home from school, get my homework over with, and then put on the tapes. Yes, I did my homework. I was a nerd. Just like Peter Parker.

5. Dogville. I saw Dogville the day after I saw Eternal Sunshine. Talk about your one-two combos. The best thing about both movies is how relentless they are. Eternal Sunshine left me emotionally drained. And Dogville is cruel, almost sick -- and it made me realize what a different person I've become. And yet, it also showed I may not have changed all that much. It spoke to my heart and my brain at the same time -- my emotion vs. my reason -- and made them wrestle with each other. I would need both to stay strong for the coming year, so I thank Dogville for the workout.

6. Before Sunset. Well this one definitely benefited from a second viewing. It made me realize just how perfectly this thing was put together. And speaking of perfect, I found it extremely amusing that I would write, "the ending to this movie is perfect," only later to read review after review proclaiming the same thing. The funny thing is, I'm not even sure we all think it's perfect for the same reason. For me, the last lines are the kickers -- they're  the best last words in a movie since the ones in Punch-Drunk Love. And I know I think this because I fear the unknown as much as I embrace it. I'd rather be excited about it than be dreadful of it. But it's hard. These movies get that.

7. Shaun of the Dead. Here's a film that blindsided me. I didn't it coming. Not expecting anything, I ended up liking this movie so much, I could hardly believe it. I was glad to see a zombie movie that understands what makes zombie movies good -- the conflict among a micro-society of survivors, the magnification of the idea of seeking a paradise in the face of hell, and the realization of hell on earth as a world populated by the cannibalistic masses. It understood all this, and it was still a great comedy! Shaun's handling of humor and horror is so deft, it's too easy to underestimate it.

8. The Aviator. And in that same vein -- and it may seem weird to say this -- I think The Aviator might be one of the more underestimated movies of the year. Critics are falling over themselves praising Sideways and Million Dollar Baby, while calling Scorsese's latest very good, though not necessarily great. It may not be Scorsese's personal best, but it's too bad how knowing that may prevent one from really enjoying it. It's so professional and assured -- Scorsese in stride. I think the guy's become one of those cultural icons that's so big that there's no way he'll ever please the majority again. That would be a shame. Meanwhile, The Aviator could be on its way to a Best Picture Oscar, which many may grouse about, saying it would be one of his less deserving pictures for such a recognition. If it wins, I'd say, "Bask in it, Marty. You deserve it."

9. Collateral. One bad bout of last act twistiness prevented this super-cool movie from making it higher on my list. That said, I've picked Michael Mann for the best director of the year. Collateral is virtuoso pulp in a dreamlike nightscape. One night, while feeling particularly lonely, I drove around the streets of Santa Monica. It was a bit of therapy. I might take the freeways late at night the next time. Or maybe I'll just put on Collateral. I mean, really, how do you take sensations -- peace, loneliness, isolation, danger, frenzy, panic, epiphany -- and put them on film? Or, for that matter, digital video? It's magic.

10. House of Flying Daggers. OK, this last spot was a fight between House of Flying Daggers and Kill Bill: Vol. 2. I chose Daggers because a) I've seen it twice, while I've only seen Vol. 2 once; b) I admire the way it is so straightforwardly a glamour piece, relying almost solely on the screen magnetism of its stars, Takeshi Kaneshiro and Ziyi Zhang (thanks to an article by Manohla Dargis for helping me with this realization); and 3) it led to a memorable night when my brother, my fellow critic and pal Michael Dequina, his friend (also Mike) and I got to see the movie at the Cinerama Dome in Hollywood. Sitting in the front row, I wasn't watching fields and bamboo forests -- I was in those fields and forests. And the movie was preceded by an introduction by Ziyi Zhang herself. Two observations: she was very thin, and she seemed really friendly -- almost shy.

We tried to meet her at an after-party, but we didn't have any luck with that. It kind of summed up my year -- moments of good fortune and bad fortune, following each other, almost immediately. I saw Ms. Zhang in person, but any hopes of meeting her were nullified. I finally took my girlfriend to the first movie I've ever seen her cry at -- Eternal Sunshine -- and moments later she said she saw ourselves in the movie (that stung). We'd break up in less than a month. And, in days, I would be invited to join Cinemarati, which I still consider a lucky honor. My brother worked on a video all year and had a car accident on the night before it was going to be debuted to an audience. We somehow managed to make it there the next day, anyway -- less than 24 hours after a traumatic experience, my brother would say how happy he was his friends convinced him to make it to the event, and how much he really needed something like that.

Up and down, down and up, up and down. Bitterness - Eternal Sunshine; high - The Incredibles; - anger and elation - Harry Potter, Spider-Man; conflict, relase, and conflict again - Dogville; hope - Before Sunset; laughter - Shaun of the Dead; uncontrollable urges and concerns - The Aviator; peace, loneliness, isolation, fear, and calm - Collateral. Love and passion - House of Flying Daggers.

What a crazy year. Thanks for reading, and happy new year.

(Posted also on www.windowtothemovies.com.)