Movies about haunted houses can be very scary indeed. I remember how frightened I was years ago by films like The Haunting of Hull House and recently by The Others. To me, a mysterious house inhabited by spirits is a perfect setting for a flick released prior to Halloween. But, instead of evoking any fear or feeling of suspense, Thirteen Ghosts assaulted my senses and played havoc with my reasoning ability. I found this remake of William Castle’s 1960 horror movie about as scary as having lunch at Planet Hollywood.

First-time director Stephen Beck earned his show biz success by creating amazing special effects for films like The Abyss and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Maybe that explains why he hurls sights and sounds at us with such a frenzied pace. Unfortunately, this filmmaker doesn’t seem to realize the importance of an understandable plot, even in a ghost story.

Granted, the fantastic house at the center of Thirteen Ghosts is spectacular in design. Bequeathed to Tony Shalhoub (Big Night) by his uncle (F. Murray Abraham of Finding Forrester), it appears as something special to each family member. "It’s like a fun house," exclaims Shalhoub’s son (Alec Roberts from Traffic). His daughter (Shannon Elizabeth of American Pie) thinks it’s more like a cathedral. The lawyer who shows them their strange inheritance calls it "a living work of art."

They’re all wrong, of course. The house is really a deadly machine holding them captive. Why? I wish I knew. It’s something involving 12 ghosts and the need for a 13^th ghost to open up the "eye of hell." I confess to closing my eyes during some of those speeded-up camera tricks, but I tried to pay attention to what was happening most of the time. Still, I couldn’t figure out any of the film’s mumbo jumbo. One thing’s for certain. I’m not planning on sitting through Thirteen Ghosts again to see if I missed a key plot point. That would be sheer torture. My eyes and ears couldn’t take any more zapping, creaking, moaning, and groaning.

Adding to the confusion are Embeth Davidtz (Bicentennial Man) as a hyper ghostbuster and Matthew Lillard (Scream) as an annoying psychic. But I was pleased to see film newcomer Rah Digga, a member of "The Outsidaz" group, bring a welcome bit of humor to her role. Playing a nanny who objects to supernatural shenanigans as "not being in my job description," Digga reminded me of a young Whoopi Goldberg. She and the versatile Shalhoub deserve better material.

Now, about those ghosts. With gruesome make-up and such terrifying names as Juggernaut, Angry Princess, Hammer, Torso, Jackal, Torn Prince, and so forth, they have the requisite fright potential. However, because each one is seen mostly in jerky camera snippets, their scare power fails miserably. For the original film, Castle distributed "Illusion O Ghost Viewers" to members of the audience. The spirits could be seen only by wearing these gadgets --- a gimmick which might have improved this dreadful remake. My Halloween rating: one Boo.

(Distributed by Warner Bros./Columbia Pictures and rated "R" for horror violence, gore, nudity, and some language.)