The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard is the most vile, atrocious movie of the year and there are six months to go. Everyone associated with it should be embarrassed for appearing in a film that might put a nail in the coffin of their careers. Maybe we can excuse Morgan Freeman for making an extended guest appearance. How many roles are there for 90 year-old male actors? But the rest of them? Come on…!

Ryan Reynolds throws away any good will he built up with all his very popular films. This reviewer likes him very much. He can be a very droll comic when the role is written correctly for hm. But in this ineptly directed  (by Patrick Hughes) and horribly written so-called “caper,” all his comic “asides” are thrown away and land like a whimpering thud. He plays investigator Michael Bryce, a man who has lost his license to do his job protecting buddy/adversary Darius Kincaid, in a constant haze of moronic confusion.

So, now we come to Samuel L. Jackson. There isn’t a line of dialogue which he doesn’t propel through the atmosphere that isn’t jet-fueled and shouted at the top of his lungs. This alleged actor shows no subtlety, range, or modulation whatsoever, and every speech, soliloquy, diatribe, and lullaby sound as though he is having his first colonoscopy without receiving any anesthetic.

The lovely Salma Hayak plays Sonia Kincaid, a famous international con artist who just happens to be married to Darius. The foul words that come out of her mouth would make a sailor blush. Every other word is the “F” word, usually shouted and repeated two thousand times to make sure you hear it. .

What is the purpose of this scrappy trio? They fight each other more than they spend time trying to find the bad guy, played by the suave and handsome Spanish actor Antonio Banderas. He’s dolled up in scarves, cheap looking “smoking” red jackets, and a fright wig of gray hair with enough strands left over to make a muff to cover singer Nikki Minaj. Banderas is pretending to be Greek in this film with the unpronounceable name of Aristotle Papadopolous and, of course, he’s evil with a dastardly plan to take over Europe. The bungling trio of “bodyguards” and “con woman” must stop him before it’s too late. I don’t think Antonio said the “F” word in Spanish. If he did, he said it with charm.

The writers, Tom O’Connor, Brandon Murphy and Phillip Murphy should be thoroughly ashamed for foisting this trash onto the public. Using only foul language instead of perfectly good words in English, defeats their purpose of emphasizing a point. When the audience is hit on the head with a gong over and over, it only produces numbness. It’s not shocking when swear words are shouted at the top of the unfortunate actors’ lungs ad nauseum.

This film is an abomination run amuck. Avoiding it could save your mental stability. You might not have any left if you face the misfortune of sitting through The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard ‘s agonizing 99 minutes.

(Released by Lionsgate/Millennium Media. Rated “R” for strong bloody violence throughout, pervasive language, and some sexual content/)